Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
