Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
