fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
