It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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