Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
4 words: hood of his car
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
