i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize