dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
