I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
