thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
