It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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