I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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