I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
