so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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