The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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