I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
