I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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