Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
