his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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