i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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