I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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