Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
