Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm both gender and math confused
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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