I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
