I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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