That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
