if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
