she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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