We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
