So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
