Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
