paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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