Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
