I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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