Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
