Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize