good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
