you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The Olympian is in my bed
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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