My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
