I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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