Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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