I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
