If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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