i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
