god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
