On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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