I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
