i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
