Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize