I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize