pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
