I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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