Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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