I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
