I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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