There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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