If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
