he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
